Every time we move I change. I change who I am, I change my focus in life, I change this blog. Every time we move it gives me the ability to start over and find a new Orli in the mix. When we were in Gibraltar, it was our first relocation, and life and blog were all about finding out who I am outside Israel, who we are as a family when it’s just us, what leaving behind my life, my family, my culture feels like. When we were in London it all shifted again, with Yon’s diagnosis (and the terrible way the Home Office treated us) life and blog turned to deal with that – to learn as much as we can, to process and accept our new life as a Special Needs family, and maybe to even help others who were on the same path. Moving to Berlin was a shock. Berlin was too harsh and unwelcoming for me, and all I wanted was to escape. And so the blog and I shifted again, and we were all about travelling. And at the end of it came our Eurotrip and 8 months in Israel. Now in Malta, I feel myself shifting again. And this time the shift is taking me somewhere I never thought I’d be.
A few weeks ago Hidai and I were talking about living here, about our lives, and about past lessons and it hit me – I like it here. It’s not as if Malta isn’t filled with faults like any other place, it’s not as if we haven’t been suffering through the hottest summer since I-don’t-know-how-many-years, and it’s not as if they started importing Hummus. But for me, Malta is just… Right. I was worried when we moved, that it will be like Berlin. I was worried when our boxes arrived, that we will drown in “stuff” and I won’t be able to breathe anymore, I was worried when the kids went to the summer-school program that we broke them and they won’t be able to find friends (and I was worried about a thousand more times about a thousand more things) and every time Malta and the universe (and throwing out a third of our stuff) fixed it. It all turned out well.
Like a very good Jewish person of a certain descent, I have an innate fear of saying that something is going well or even OK. I have to do this whole ritual of superstitious behaviour (which Hidai and the kids find hilarious), and even now, just typing it, I am knocking on every wooden surface, tying a red ribbon to my computer and throwing some salt at the corners of the room just to be sure. I live in fear that after every good thing that happens it is not only the other shoe that will drop, it will be a whole closet full of them. And I am tired of it.
I am tired of feeling the weight of every mistake I made, every wrong turn I took, every decision that did not work out as planned. I am tired of the judging eyes, and the baggage I am carrying with me. When we got to Israel this last time we were filled with hope, first of all hope that we will leave quite quickly, but mostly hope that we could heal our relationship with Israel, with our families, with the people we left behind when we moved to Gibraltar all those years ago. We left Israel 8 months later and we failed on every count. We have left everything and our relationship with everyone (except my parents, hey parents!) way worse than what it was, way worse than what we thought possible. And I had been carrying that failure with me, and it had been weighing on me. And I realised I can’t live with this weight. I need to make peace with my, and our, past. With the people that gave up on us, that didn’t love us, that hurt us and the ones we hurt. For us, it is also a way to move forward financially, because so much of our attitude towards money is tied to the past, to the should have’s and the would have’s and the people we counted on, and mostly to heartache. And I need to clean it all. I need our money, and our home, and our hearts to be free.
And even though it sounds like a bunch of hippie bullshit, it made sense to me. We saw how this energy thing work when we were in Israel, how it brought us here in the right time, and how it saved us from choosing companies and places which turned out to be quite bad. We saw it working with the way we found this apartment, and the way our lives here has been progressing.
I know, even I can’t believe I am writing this.
So a couple of weeks ago I took my first step in my new quest. I went to a workshop (well, I didn’t really go anywhere, it was on Skype but still) to learn a cleaning and healing method taught by the wonderful Ruth Webb-Krill, who helped us find our way when we were in Israel. I am now the proud owner of a pendulum which answers when I ask it yes or no questions, a method that can help me clean bad-energy around me and others, and a board that helps me help people (which I am terrified of, but that is for a different post). And I have no idea how I got here. I don’t meditate, I find it hard to keep my eyes close, my feet are never on the ground, I can’t imagine things on order, I hate the way all meditation instructors talk, I can’t see my chakras opening up, and honestly I have no idea how I feel about people sending around angels and the number 8. I never thought I would be a part of all this new-age thing. It’s just too much.
And yet, I am shifting. How else can you explain that we now have a Malta-mantra and some affirmations taped to our message board, a prosperity light-grid (a small generic one, I still need a bigger personal one), a family motto that is going on the wall next week, an energetically clean house (and kids, and Hidai, and parents), an idea about creating a “positive economic” thing which combines abundance with budgeting, four online courses about Chakras and Ho’oponopono, and next Saturday I am going (actually going) to a Reiki seminar.
Anybody in need of some energy cleaning?